Edward Snowden Declines Antarctica’s Asylum Offer

“I don’t even have a good winter coat” said Snowden in response to Antarctica’s offer.

SHEREMETYEVO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, MOSCOW — NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has rejected the continent of Antarctica’s offer to shelter him from American prosecution, sources close to Snowden report.

“I know that beggars can’t be choosers in a situation like this, but honestly, did they think I would go all the way down to the barren wasteland of Antarctica just to receive asylum?” balked Snowden. “I’m not that desperate.”

Facebook Users Lose Their Shit Over #Hashtags

People logging onto Facebook earlier today immediately noticed two things out of the ordinary: The fact that “hashtags”, the practice of putting a pound sign in front of words or phrases that became popular on Twitter, now appeared as links in status updates; and the fact that this new feature caused every single one of Facebook’s 1.11 billion users to lose their shit.

NSA Agents Quit in Droves After Targeted Rebellion

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Employees at the National Security Agency have been less than popular with the American public ever since it was revealed that they listen to and read private phone and email messages on a daily basis. But an innovative new counter-tactic has proven quite effective in ruffling the agency’s feathers, and agents have been quitting their jobs at record rates.

“We just started getting bombarded with spoilers. Everything we watch, everything we read – it’s all been spoiled!” cried Daniel Jensen, an NSA agent of 5 years.

Edward Snowden: “I Just Hope They Make a Movie About Me”

Snowden, pictured, made a point to note that whoever plays him in the film need not be bearded or wear glasses.

HONG KONG — In a Sunday interview with The Guardian it was revealed that Edward Snowden, the 29-year-old NSA whistleblower, believes that the only way his actions will be validated is if a feature film based on his experience is released.

The statement was made in response to the question, “What do you hope to achieve with your actions?”

Tip-Offs About NSA Scandals Came From Obama

AMERICA, FKA LAND OF THE FREE — This week saw two revelations about the National Security Agency surface in succession. First, on Wednesday, The Guardian reported that the NSA has been collecting information on all of Verizon’s customers on an “ongoing, daily basis” since April. The very next day, the Washington Post reported that the NSA, along with the FBI, has been tapping into the servers of nine U.S. Internet companies and extracting everything from emails to video chats.

Today, it was revealed that the tip-off for both of those stories came from an unlikely source: President Barack Obama.