Man Who’s Never Been to Michigan Makes Hilarious Joke About Detroit

Unfortunately, “amazing architecture” is not the first thing people think of when they hear ‘Detroit’

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL — “I found some spare change in my pocket. I’d donate it to Detroit to help their bankruptcy, but it’d probably start a gang war.”

After sending this tweet into the ether of the internet, 26-year-old Florida native Charles Bomspear sat back in his chair and congratulated himself.

“I usually try to get at least one brilliant tweet out every day. Looks like I get to turn my brain off early today,” he said, hands clasped behind his head in triumphant relaxation. He kicked his feet up onto his desk.

A Modest Proposal to Allow Steroids in Baseball

This man must be idealized once more.

Hey readers, Jim here. For the last few weeks you’ve been enjoying my cutting edge fake sports reporting on the Nothington Post and we’ve all had a bit of fun. Remember when I made fun of Phil Mickelson? Good times.

But that was then, and this is All Star Week. And there’s talk of a number of MLB players being suspended in the second half due to allegations of steroid use. So lets get serious for a minute here, readers.

I strongly believe that steroid use should not only be made legal, but encouraged in Major League Baseball. Wait – hear me out.

Mattel Unveils New ‘Make-Me-Pretty’ Barbie

Make-Me-Pretty Barbie, pictured above, before any of the exciting new cosmetic surgeries

EL SEGUNDO, CA — At a press conference earlier today, Bryan G. Stockton, CEO of Mattel Inc., proudly announced Make-Me-Pretty Barbie, the newest addition to the company’s popular Barbie line of toys that thrusts the iconic doll into the exciting, modern world of plastic surgery.

“We wanted a Barbie for the 21st Century,” announced a beaming Stockton. “We’ve often been criticized for manufacturing an unrealistic, unattainable image of the female body, so we’ve decided that now is the time to introduce a Barbie that shows young girls how the modern woman actually becomes so pretty.”

“Make-Me-Pretty Barbie does that and more.”

J.K. Rowling Reveals She Wrote “All the Good Books”

“Yeah, this one was originally done on a cocktail napkin while I was in the bathroom. It’s all right.”

In a follow-up to the surprise announcement that she authored The Cuckoo’s Nest under the pseudonym Robert Galbraith, J.K. Rowling held another press conference this morning to announce that she was the also the author of “all the other books you’ve enjoyed or heard good things about.”

The announcement caught most people completely off guard. Thomas Nuttenjoy, who claims he is “not a huge Harry Potter fan, but I’ve read a few of them,” was rather impressed by the scope of Rowling’s work.

Film Critics Experience Existential Angst in Wake of Sharknado

Critics say: “Enough Already!”

Twitter was abuzz yesterday and today over the premiere of SyFy’s Sharknado, the latest disaster flick from the basic cable channel that features a cyclone of Selachii overcoming the humble small-town folk of Los Angeles. Despite mediocre ratings, the film was a social media phenomenon, garnering nearly 1,500 unique tweets a throughout the night.

In response, film critics have begun to question their career paths and, in some cases, the very meaning of life itself.

Early Projections Show Nerds, Math To Cause End Of Baseball As We Know It By 2067

Our grandchildren playing what they will know as “baseball”

NEW YORK, NY — A new study coming out of the offices of Major League Baseball this week predicts the rising use of math in America’s Pastime will cause the game to run out of human players within the next fifty-five years.

YOLO Coming to Terms With the Tragedy of Itself

“Keep Calm and…” posters are the hallmark of a popular phrase’s twilight

To YOLO, it feels like it has only been days since it was a thriving young phrase on the tongue of the world.

“I was forced to grow up so fast,” it said glumly at the local dead-slang support group. “But I wasn’t like you! I was different… I believed in myself.”

Its insistence fell on an audience who had heard these lamentations many times before. Still, they were happy to help YOLO through these hard times all the same.

Jay Carney Considers New Jobs at Kellogg’s, Priceline

Jay Carney counts down the hours until he’s free from the White House

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Earlier today, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney confirmed rumors that he would soon leave the Obama administration to pursue other spokesperson opportunities.

“I’m very thankful for the experiences I’ve had here, but the job is starting to become a little much for me,” he said in a briefing.

Edward Snowden Declines Antarctica’s Asylum Offer

“I don’t even have a good winter coat” said Snowden in response to Antarctica’s offer.

SHEREMETYEVO INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT, MOSCOW — NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden has rejected the continent of Antarctica’s offer to shelter him from American prosecution, sources close to Snowden report.

“I know that beggars can’t be choosers in a situation like this, but honestly, did they think I would go all the way down to the barren wasteland of Antarctica just to receive asylum?” balked Snowden. “I’m not that desperate.”

The Nothington Post Reviews: Arab Spring 2

In a lot of ways, there is nothing surprising about Arab Spring 2.

The movie begins in a manner largely reminiscent of 2011’s international hit, although it skips the Tunisian set-up. Egypt is introduced plagued by problems we thought were cured in the first flick: lengthy economic turmoil, shortages of food and other resources, and a military that is dubious at best about where its faith lies.