People logging onto Facebook earlier today immediately noticed two things out of the ordinary: The fact that “hashtags”, the practice of putting a pound sign in front of words or phrases that became popular on Twitter, now appeared as links in status updates; and the fact that this new feature caused every single one of Facebook’s 1.11 billion users to lose their shit.
“Last time I checked, this was Facebook, not the Twit-tard-sphere,” read one snarky status hastily crafted by 25-year-old Emily Gibson.
Another, by 18-year-old Jeffrey Mason, said “Great, now we’re stuck with #hashtags that #link to things #nobodycares about. This is the fucking #worst.” At press time, Mason was still unaware of the irony of his post.
The addition of hashtags to statuses will allow users to search keywords and terms to see what complete strangers have to say about them. Previously, this development may have unsettled those who prefer their comments remain private to friends and family members, but since it was revealed that Facebook gives the US government all its data and information anyway, most have accepted the fact that nothing they ever do or say will ever be private again.
After the first few hours of this new feature, Facebook published a list of the most popular terms used in hashtags. The list included #whatthefuck #dumb #fuckyouFacebook #thisisgay #killme and #onedirection.
Demographic information was published alongside the list, and while most users of the hashtag fell into the 13-17 year old demographic, there was still plenty of use coming out of the older 45-65 year old group.
“#Whyarepeopleusingnumbersignsnow? #DoesthismeanyoucancallmeonFacebook? #CallyourmotherJeffshemissesyou,” read one status by 62-year-old Alan Mason.
Meanwhile, 55-year-old Janice Ewing posted, “I just figured out how to use the ‘like’ button and now there are pound signs all over the place. Fuck it, I’m going back to reading Us Weekly for my news.”
Despite the universal negative reaction to Facebook’s new feature, Mark Zuckerberg assured his stockholders that nothing would come of it.
“They’ll whine about it and post bitchy statuses for a few days, probably make a bunch of Pages and Groups about getting rid of it, but then they’ll settle down and accept their new reality,” he said at a meeting while sipping blood-red wine and giggling maniacally. “No matter how much they complain, they won’t leave Facebook. They never do.”
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