Carnival Cruise Lines has had its fair share of problems over the past year, and now it has to deal with another: The International Carny Union (ICU) has asked them to change their company’s name.
“For a long time we didn’t care either way about them big ole water boats using our name,” said ICU President Clayton T. Billabong. “But now we got beef. Those clowns are givin’ us a bad rap, and to save our reputation, we’re asking them to 86 using the Carnival name.”
Billabong complains that the word ‘carnival’ has come to be associated with faulty mechanics and unreliable staff.
“And we can’t have that. When we roll into a new town, those city folk need to know we’re giving them the highest quality of entertainment. Sure, our rides might break down and cut someone’s arm off or catch fire and burn a few children to death, but at least they won’t be stranded in the middle of the god damn Gulf of Mexico!”
The incident Billabong alludes to took place in February, when a fire aboard the Carnival Triumph left its 3100 passengers adrift for four days. That high-profile affair ruffled the ICU’s feathers, but it wasn’t ready to take action until this week, when it was reported that the Carnival Fascination had failed an inspection by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention.
“Now word is that these ships aren’t even sanitary! Can you imagine people associating carnivals with being dirty? I can’t! The mere thought would put me six feet under!” Billabong exclaimed.
Billabong also responded to news that Carnival is offering cruises for only $40 a night. “Why don’t you go spend that money on a nice family night out at the carnival? You can get some dee-licious elephant ears, ride a squeaky ferris wheel, and probably go home with less diseases than you’d get on one of their floating port-a-johns,” he suggested.
“Tell them Clayton sent you and you’ll get to ride the Tilt-A-Whirl for free,” he added with a wink.